


i can't breathe

by DramamineOnTopOfMe



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Crying, Eddie is a Good Friend, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Evan Buckley Needs a Hug, Family History, Family Secrets, Forehead Kisses, Gun Violence, Homophobia, M/M, Mentions of Therapy, Original Character Death(s), Trauma, Violence, underlying feelings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-04
Updated: 2020-04-04
Packaged: 2021-02-28 17:40:36
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,685
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23471095
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DramamineOnTopOfMe/pseuds/DramamineOnTopOfMe
Summary: Buck witnesses something awful while on a call. Afterward, Eddie comes around to pick up the pieces.
Relationships: Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV)
Comments: 9
Kudos: 401





	i can't breathe

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you to the lovely [Zel](https://archiveofourown.org/users/xpaperheartso) for beta'ing this fic. Also thank you so much to the Discord people who keep cheering me on while this fic was heavy and hard to write. 
> 
> Serious note, please heed the warnings and tags, I don't want any of you guys accidentally being put in a bad place mentally. I hope everyone is doing well and that everyone is having a nice quarantine. I'm losing my shit, thanks for asking. 
> 
> Title taken from i can't breathe by Bea Miller. I actually made a Sad Tunes playlist to write this fic, and that title really caught my eye.

**“Dad!” His daughter sobbed, clutching her best friend closely. “Dad, it’s me, Anna! Put the gun down!” Buck jolted as he realized what was unraveling in front of him. “Daddy put the gun down!” Anna sobbed again.**

**“No! You and your little bitch of a friend ruined me!” The father, Anthony was his name, jerked the gun a few times.**

**“Mr. Wilson?” Anna’s friend raised her head from where it was hooked into Anna’s neck, “Mr. Wilson, I don’t know what I did wrong. If you tell me what I did wrong we can work through it.” Her voice shook. Vivid images of a similar scenario flashed in front of Buck’s eyes.**

**“Cap, I’ve got this one.”**

**“Buck, no. Wait for Athena and her crew to get here, we don’t want anyone to get shot today.”**

**“Cap,” Buck met Bobby’s eyes, “I’ve done this before, I’ve got it.” Bobby still shook his head. But Buck took a step forward anyway, his boot softly hitting the grass under the ladder truck. He walked calmly, slowly, towards the scene. He made sure to wave his arm around a few times for Anthony to know he was coming.**

**“Anthony? Mr. Wilson? My name is Evan, I’m from LAFD.” He kept his voice low, knew that if he spooked the man, everything would end in a second. “If you put the gun down, I think we can help you. But you have to put the gun down first.”**

**Anthony’s wild eyes met his, “What do you know, huh!? Do you know what they did to me? They ruined me!”**

**“I don’t think they’ve ruined you, Mr. Wilson. I think they’re scared, and you’re hurting. I think you should put the gun down.” He picked up the sound of sirens behind him. He knew not to react to them, situations like this didn’t need jumpiness like that. “Look, Mr. Wilson, I’ve been on the other end of that gun.” Buck gulps, “I know what your daughter and her friend are feeling right now. And I’m telling you, it’s not their fault that you’re hurting, it’s not.” He should’ve stopped there. Anna looked at him, terror in her eyes. Buck gulped again. “If you put the gun down, I’ll tell you about me.”**

**Anthony’s hand wavered for a second, dropped a few inches closer to the ground. He was getting somewhere, this was going to be fine. “Talk.”**

**“What’re their names, can you tell me their names first?”**

**“I said talk!” The gun rose a little.**

**“Okay, okay, I’m sorry. My name is Evan Buckley. I’m 28, and I’m from Philly.” He took a step forward, putting his hands up. “I have a sister named Maddie, she’s a couple years older than me. She was out of the house when this happened.” A step, “My father liked to drink. And when he liked to drink, he liked to fight. I was in high school at the time. Probably not much younger than your daughter and her friend.” He remembered to mention them as he took another step. Always humanize the victims, it helped. “He was drinking one day, and I’d failed a test. He got mad, threw a bottle at me.” Buck took one more step, his hands raised a little higher.**

**He didn’t spare a glance at the people around him, he didn’t want to see the team’s faces as he hashed out a childhood trauma with a potential shooter. But out of his peripheral, he saw a few officers getting closer to Anthony from behind. Athena was one of them.**

**“Mom tried to help me, she knew his temper and knew that I didn’t do anything to deserve it. But he had a gun.” He took a breath, chin dropping to his chest for only a second, “She and I ended up face down on the kitchen floor with a gun to our heads. We didn’t do anything wrong. I failed a test, Anthony, a test. A stupid test at that, it was an aptitude test for physics, didn’t even count as a grade.” Buck took one more step towards the girls. He was behind them now, standing his ground above them. “Which is why I ask again, what did they do to you? Did they get accepted to a college you don’t like? What’s her name?” His finger pointed to Anna’s friend again. “I want to help you, but I need to know her name first.”**

**“Mia Rosco,” Anthony grumbled, pointing his gun a little higher again.**

**“Hey, I just wanted her name, nothing else. Put the gun back down.” His voice tensed and he stuck a hand out. “Anna and Mia, does Mia live with you guys? What happened, Anthony?” Now it was about wasting enough time for the officers to get a hold of the gun.**

**“She ruined my little girl!” Anthony sobbed, raising the gun again. Anthony pointed it back at Mia. Buck didn’t have to be at her level to know that if Anthony pulled the trigger, she would be hit dead-on.**

**“Hey! Hey, Anthony, Mr. Wilson! Look at me, not them! I’m just trying to figure out what happened!” He raised his voice again but didn’t take a step. “What did Mia do?”**

**“She kissed my little girl. Ruined her. Ruined my family name, ruined me.” Anthony’s voice broke. His hand shook. Buck saw the officers stop, something they shouldn’t have done. Anthony continued after a second, “I walked in on that little** **_tramp_ ** **on top of my daughter. Ruining her,** **_tainting her.”_ **

**It happened so fast, one second, Anthony was talking and the next, two gunshots rang out. Then, a third.  
**

He doesn’t remember getting home, everything blurred together after that call. He’s home now, slumping against his front door as it closes. A sob rips from his chest. His thoughts swarm, he’s going to lose his job. Bobby will force him back into therapy and _that went so well the first time._

Nausea hits him suddenly and he can’t handle it. Buck gags, gasping for air before sobbing again. Then he falls to the side of the door. He crumbles, pulling in on himself. His knees knock into the table next to his door before pressing into his chest. He doesn’t want to see the faces of everyone tomorrow. He knows he’ll call in. 

Buck sobs for a few more minutes before settling into a whimpering pile on the floor. He’s numb enough to not feel like vomiting anymore. But he can’t find the motivation nor the energy to get away from the front door. 

He thinks his phone pings somewhere in his bag, or maybe in his pocket? But Buck doesn’t move to retrieve it, or even attempt to look. The tile is cold under his body and he sags a little further into it. A stray sob escapes his throat, rubbing it raw. 

Buck closes his eyes and presses his forehead into the floor. He whimpers a few more times before falling asleep on the floor. 

! * ! * ! * ! 

Buck startles to a knock on his door. He doesn’t bother to lift his head off of the floor before hearing Eddie’s voice, “Buck, you awake in there? I want to talk, man.” The sound of the lock clicking makes Buck finally sits up. Eddie’s going to hit him with the door if he doesn’t move now. 

The door swings open, hitting him in the back of the calf before he can really get anywhere. “Buck?” Eddie looks at his leg then his face. “Hey, how long have you been down there? Did you fall? Can you move your legs so I can come in?” His questions kept coming, one after another, just like the gunshots. Buck recognizes the paternal instinct kick in, even from the floor. 

He grunts, slowly bending his knees so that Eddie can squeeze inside of the apartment. As soon as Eddie’s inside, he shuts the door softly and puts his bag on the other side of the door. “Tell me what happened Buck, did you fall?” 

“No.” His voice cracks and Buck coughs. His eyes stay on the floor, too sad and embarrassed to look at Eddie right now. “I’m fine, Eddie. You can go.” Eddie doesn’t say anything, only huffs. Then he sits on the ground in front of Buck. 

“Will you look at me?” Eddie extends his hand near Buck’s jaw, ready to grip it. “I just want to check on you, man.” Buck doesn’t move his head. He’ll start sobbing again if he looks anywhere but the floor. Eddie’s fingers settle lightly on his jaw but don’t force his head up. “I want to help you.” He says softly. 

Buck breaks at the sound of his voice, he expected it to be louder, less caring. Eddie’s tone is just tender enough to split apart any sense of okay he has. Eddie pulls him closer as he attempts to crumble to the floor again, though in Buck’s opinion that’s where he belonged after today. 

“I’ve got you, it’s alright.” He’s got the same tone as before and Buck whimpers. “Let it out, man. I’m right here.” Eddie wraps a steady hand around the back of Buck’s head and pulls him into his neck. His other hand grips Buck’s shirt in an attempt to bring the bigger man closer to his lap. Buck falls into him, pushing Eddie to the ground and onto his back. “I’ve got you, you’re safe,” Eddie repeats, and Buck feels something inside crack. 

Buck finally sobs, his fingers finding purchase in Eddie’s T-shirt. “Eds-” Buck’s voice breaks. His best friend’s fingers run through his hair. Eddie brings his lips to Buck’s temple, mumbling nonsense close to his ear. He doesn’t understand any of it, it’s just white noise under all of the pain he’s feeling on the surface. 

Buck doesn’t know how long they lay like that, but it has to be long enough that Eddie’s uncomfortable. He squirms every few minutes, adjusting Buck with him. Buck’s still crying when he asks, “Do you think we can get up? You’ll be more comfortable on the couch, dulzura.” 

Buck answers with a small whimper from the back of his throat. “Eds-” He coughs. 

“Come on, let’s go lay on the couch and I’ll get you some water.” Buck waits a second. Eddie taps his neck once, “Come up, Buck.” He pushes them up into a sitting position, squeezing the back of Buck’s neck for comfort. They stand together, Buck leaning all of his weight on Eddie. “Let’s go to the couch.” 

It takes a few minutes, Buck stopping every few feet because any remaining energy he has, evaporates. “I’m sorry.” He mumbles. 

“Don’t apologize, Evan, don’t. You don’t need to.” Eddie’s hand moves through Buck’s hair as he speaks. He nearly drags Buck the last few feet to the couch before laying him flat across the length of it. “You don’t have anything to apologize for, dulzura.” Eddie presses a soft kiss to his forehead. He turns on his heel then and pads quietly to the kitchen for water. 

Buck’s thoughts start up again. His body goes rigid as he gets caught on the word _therapy._ Bobby won’t let him come back to work without going to see someone. But he doesn’t trust himself to not do anything. He knows he’s not Buck 1.0 anymore, but he hasn’t seen anyone since then. _Bobby won’t let him come back to work without talking to someone first._

He doesn’t realize he’s hyperventilating until Eddie rubs his shoulders, catching his attention. “What’s going on up there, Evan?” Eddie’s in front of him on his knees, the glass of water he brought from the kitchen placed behind him on the coffee table. Eddie patiently reminds him, “You’ve got to breathe,” he reaches for the glass, “Drink this. All of it.” 

Buck takes the glass with shaky hands. Eddie doesn’t go far, his fingers brushing gingerly at Buck’s wrists. “I can’t breathe.” Buck sighs. 

“I know, I know cariño.” Eddie leans forward, his lips grazing the side of Buck’s forehead. “Keep drinking, alright?” 

He finishes the glass and sets it back down on the table. Eddie’s still rubbing along his wrists, lips occasionally brushing his face. “I don’t want to go back to therapy.” 

“Why not? You should.” Eddie pulls his face away slightly. 

“I don’t trust myself.” Eddie leans over him now, meeting his eyes as he lets go of one of Buck’s wrists to lean on the back of the couch with it. “Last time I saw someone, I slept with them.” He shuts his eyes, frowning. 

“Evan, you watched a horrible thing today. They won’t let you go back without therapy. We can look into therapists together if you want?” Buck flinches, “Or you can skip all of that and see Frank?” That idea calms him slightly. He knows Maddie and Hen had success with him, and Eddie, well Eddie sees him regularly. He nods shallowly. Eddie smiles softly at him, his fingers still caressing one of Buck’s wrists. “I’ll always be here for you, Evan. You know that right?” There’s that soft tone again. The one that made him cry earlier and makes him cry now. 

A tear rolls down his cheek, “Yeah, I know.” 

Eddie hums, “Move over, I’m coming down.” He leans towards the back of the couch, so Buck scoots to the edge near the floor. Eddie drops his body down so their chest to chest. “You want to get up for a second so I can lay flat, you can lean on me.” Buck listens, maneuvering his body so that Eddie can lay down on the couch. 

Buck scoots down slightly and turns onto his right side. This gives him enough space to put his head comfortably on Eddie’s chest. Eddie runs his fingers through his hair, humming lowly. “You did what you could, Evan.” 

“They still died,” his face twitches and he noses Eddie’s collarbone. 

“I’m sorry.” He sighs. Buck closes his eyes then and twitches his nose one more time. Silence washes over them, the only sound around them being the ticking clock on the wall in the kitchen. Fingers move from his hair to his back, beginning to draw circles there. 

Buck’s left arm curls around Eddie’s waist and grips his shirt tight. “I’m sorry too.” 

“Hey, I told you that you have nothing to be sorry for. You did good today.” 

“Bu-” Eddie cuts him off, his fingers moving to grip his jaw and meet their eyes. 

“No buts, you did good today. You don’t remember anything after that, do you?” He shakes his head, eyes watering. “Hen and I wrapped you up in a thermal blanket from the ambulance. We brought you back to the station and laid you up in the call room.” His thumb grazes Buck’s jaw, “You didn’t come out of there for the rest of your shift. Bobby brought you home. He called me after you opened your front door and told me to stay with you. He said you wouldn’t say more than one word to him, didn’t say goodbye.” 

He’s crying again, no, sobbing, into Eddie’s shirt. “I’m sor-” 

“It’s okay, you’re okay cariño. Let it go,” Buck rolls over, pushing his face into Eddie’s neck and puts all of his weight on his best friend. “I’ll be here for you. We’re going to get through this. Chris will come over tomorrow, spend the day with us. I know you miss him and he makes you feel better.” Kisses begin to press into his forehead and don’t halt when Buck’s nose twitches again, his head jerking with it. “Go to sleep, Evan. We can get it all figured out in the morning.” 

His sobs subside a little quicker this time, and he settles into the sound of Eddie’s heartbeat under his ear. Strong. Present. Something to rely on. “I love you, Eds.” 

“I love you too, Evan.” Buck closes his eyes, sighing into the feeling of one last kiss being pressed into his temple before falling into darkness. 


End file.
